Fixation
From Bellybuttonporn
I fixate. Without distraction I sit here and I just focus on things. They go through my mind over and over and over again. It gets so bad that even things I do to distract myself like watching TV or a movie doesn't work; I tune it out. Eventually I find myself trying to distract myself by checking stuff out online. I have a few websites I visit and I will check them out over and over again, going from one to the next. Some times I don't even consciously do it. I'll close Strangetalk only to immediately wonder if someone said something recently and open it back up again. No, nobody did. And especially this time of night, almost 2am, there's nothing new to keep me distracted. I talk to a lot of people online. Now that I think about it, most are women. I wonder if that means something? Anyhow, they're all asleep now. I wonder what people really think about me, a lot. I made bread tonight. I got this cutesy little kit thing for xmas; it consisted of flour, yeast, etc. in a beer bottle. You just dump it into a bowl then add 1 beer (not lite), stir it up, and bake it. It tastes pretty good. I also made french onion soup. It's kinda bitter. maybe it needs some lemon juice to fix it up. Not sure. I went out to lunch with that awesome chick from Minnesota. I really wish some times that she'd just leave me alone. It's so hard for me to deal with these sorts of things. It's like I'm unable to do what I need or do what's right. Some times the right thing to do is run away. The more I think about it, the more I realize that everything Trisha said was right. Fixation. You know, as a white male aged 18-60, I'm supposed to be in charge of everything. I'm supposed to ahve all my shit together. It's all under control. Whose control? Not mine. I haven't been in charge of shit for a long time. I don't want someone to tell me it's all going to be alright. I want to be able to look at things and say that myself. I don't know if I have a point with all that. So I have an appointment with a shrink on the 17th. I really hope I can get some of this shit fixed. I really don't know what else to do but I really hope this isn't normal, to think like this. I really wish I could stop it from going and going. The static fire in the back of my mind is blazing. Could I harness this? Is there something I could be doing with this? I don't know. Maybe. But right now I'd like it to go away. I don't really like to go out and do new things. It's like something just forces me to say no or not to go. I don't understand it. I think it's what my mom does too. I don't want to turn into a shut-in. This happened to me before, in school. I had a dream this morning where I met a girl. It's so lonely. This is. Fuck it. No paragraphs this time. If I go back to edit it, there's too much temptation to remove shit.
