Invisible

From Bellybuttonporn

October 16, 2006

I'm sick of being invisible to women.

I didn't notice

The thing about being far outside the norm of acceptable appearance isn't that people stare or make fun. Sure, kids do, but not grownups. The problem is that people don't look. Ever.

I've been tracking my weight for quite a while now. I've gained about 35 pounds since Trisha broke up with me, despite off and on attempts to lose weight. Every time I try things seem to be going ok, and then some kind of self-destructive urge kicks in and I stop tracking my weight, or exercising, or both. A lot of times I just use a handy excuse. Anyhow, I seem to find myself more and more encumbered by how I look rather than how I am.

I read a book recently, "Living Large" by Michael S. Berman. It's basically just this fat guy's life story. It dealt a lot with coming to grips with the problem of being fat. One thing he talked about was how to truly overcome it, you have to accept who you are. I really have a problem with that. I don't see myself as fat as the rest of the world does. Every time I see a full body picture of me, I'm astounded. I can't be that fat, can I? The trouble is, I feel pretty normal. I don't have a baseline to compare myself to, since I've been fat since before I started school. I have to deal with the consequences of it, sure: My back aches if I sleep over 7 hours, my knees ache almost constantly, my ankles make a grinding noise when I walk and need popped constantly, and some times, some times when I'm really lucky, one of the metatarsals in my right foot rebreaks itself. Aside from that I feel just fine.

So now I'm trying to lose weight again. I don't have any goals or expectations. Why not? Simple; with goals and expectations I will have something to strive for, and ultimately fail. That said, I have lost about 5 pounds in the 3ish weeks I've been monitoring my weight this last time. I would not mind if this trend continued. No daily updates. No graphs posted online. Sorry, this is between me and the scale.

LOL, no.

A big thing is not putting myself into situations where I can meet women. None of the ones I know are remotely interested. Some times I want to save money (getting a car soon, I think). Some times I'm too busy*. Some times I really just don't want to go out in public because I know that any attempts to improve my situation will be met with inevitable failure. Its that last one that hurts the most.

I get frustrated easily. Its really hard to watch as women flock to guys I know who definitely aren't as awesome as I am. Braggarts and such. It's even more frustrating when women I know and wouldn't mind hanging out with more decide to spend their time with guys less fantastic than I. Just my invisibility kicking in. I get pissed off about the whole thing.

You know that scene in A Christmas Story where Farkas throws a snowball and hits Ralphie in the glasses? Ralphie snaps and just beats the hell out of the bully once and for all? I feel like that a lot. Trouble is, I don't even have a real bully to pummel with my mittened fists.

The other day a few acquaintances came over. Wish I could call them friends, but we don't really hang out that often. I fed them chili. Normally I wouldn't stand for being simply used for my cooking skills and abandoned like that, however I did happen to have 2 gallons of chili.

I think most of all, I'd like to have someone to go out to eat with at fancy places. There's also a shitload of movies out now that I'd like to see. Oh, sorry to switch gears again like that.

Mo money

Ok, I think I ran out of things to bitch about. I'll return to hastily cobbling together this project for ISU. I can't wait to be done with this. I just need time to relax with out any extra obligations outside of my 9-5. My "too busy" comment earlier is a reference to this; I've been trying to work on this for a long time. I don't play WoW much anymore because I'm "busy", nor do I go out to Southpark Night at Welch Ave Station because I'm "busy". In actuality, I'm sitting at my computer doing anything but coding on this. Dammit.

Women | Weight | Job