From Bellybuttonporn
These are my Official Policies
Computer Repair
- The few people who are allowed to ask me for free computer repair know who they are.
Corporations
- You have fine-printed byzantine policies that consumers have to follow. Well, you have to follow my policies too. So there!
DVDs
- My roommates may borrow my DVDs and watch them without asking in advance.
- Anyone wishing to remove a DVD from my home must ask permission first.
- Any borrowed DVD must be handled with care to avoid scratches and damage to it's box.
- DVDs must be placed in their designated box, and only in that box. No other DVD may be temporarily stored in that box, and that DVD may not be temporarily stored in any other box.
- All DVDs must be returned to their original alphabetized position on the rack.
Food
- I insist on double-dipping.
Jokes
- When I make fun of myself, it is called self-deprecating humor. When you make fun of me, it is called being an asshole.
- Explaining the logical inconsistancies of a joke renders it entirely unfunny. Jokes rely on exagerations and logical errors. If they didn't, they wouldn't be jokes, they'd be facts.
Name
- If you don't know me, don't use my first name in a familiar tone. You may call me "Mr. Twombley", "Twombley", or even "Hey you".
- If you know me online, use my online name in online communications, and my real name in real-life communications.
Parties
- If you peel the label off of a beer at my party, you owe me 5 cents rounded up to the nearest dollar. Seriously, knock that shit out.
Personal Hygiene / Appearance
- If I am confused for a woman based on the length of my hair, I will cut it at the next available opportunity.
- If I am confused for a child molester based on the length of my moustache, I will shave it at the next available opportunity.
Phone
- I will not answer the phone for an unfamiliar number.
- If you do not leave a message indicating your name and a descriptive message, you will not receive a reply call.
- If the cell phone you sold me stops working, I will stop paying you for service. I am willing to sacrifice a few points on my credit score to prove a point.
- If you call me on the phone to ask, I will not donate to your cause nor will I buy anything from you.
Punctuation
- Punctuation marks that are not part of a quotation go outside of the quote marks. Ex: Did he say "Hello"?
Toys
- You may look at any toys I have displayed.
- You may pick up and examine any toys I have displayed, as long as you are reasonably sure you will not break it and you return it to its original location and/or pose.
- You may not attempt to transform any of my transformers unless you receive express consent from me in advance.
- You may not attempt to disassemble or otherwise modify any of my Lego displays unless you receive express consent from me in advance.
- I will take all of my toys out of the box and play with them. They are toys, not statues.
Women
- You get three chances. I will attempt to invite you on a date on 3 seperate occasions. If you are busy or have some other excuse those three times, I am done with you.
- I already have plenty of friends.
- Don't flirt if you're not interested.
- Don't tell me I'm too short or not your type. Just be honest.
- Don't agree to a date and then feign illness. Just be honest.
- In fact, just be honest in general.
- There are certain guys I know, and well, if you're impressed enough to sleep with them, then frankly, my interest in you is gone. Sorry. Next time don't be so skeezy.
- I am an atheist. I'm not sorry. Since you're likely from the midwest, I'm sure this means we can never date. It was nice to meet you.
- Ladies get shotgun.
- You are never allowed to ask for dating advice. Not cool.
