Recipes

From Bellybuttonporn

Contents 1 McRecipes 2 Stew 3 Peanut Butter Chunk Cookies 4 Baked Potatizzle 5 Deep Fried Crap 6 Deep Fried Pineapple 7 Jess's Green Salsa 8 Individual Apple Crisps 9 Keith's Thirty Five Dollar Chili 10 Spaghetti Sauce 11 Meatballs 12 Avocado Ice Cream 13 Guacamole 13.1 Here's how to cut up an avocado 13.2 Back to the Guac 14 Baked Tortilla Chips 15 Queso Blanco 16 Aunt Louise's Rhubarb Dessert 17 Very Old Fudge 18 Can't Fail Pie Crust

McRecipes

If you work at McDonald's, try out these McRecipes

Stew

Work in progress. Notes:

stew

required:

• 1.5lbs of meat
• carrot
• onion
• celery
• potatoes
• beef base
• beef stock
• cabbage
• stewed tomatoes
• salt

recommended:

• campbell's beefy mushroom soup x2
• pepper
• lipton's beefy onion soup (one box)
• canned corn (with juice from can)
• green beans (with juice from can)
• mushrooms

Peanut Butter Chunk Cookies

• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 vanilla bean, split and scraped (or 1tbsp vanilla extract)
• 1 tbsp milk
• 2 large eggs
• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 cup powdered sugar

Mix the peanut butter and powdered sugar. It will end up dry and powdery. Put the mixture into a 1 gallon ziplock freezer bag, then use a rolling pin (or something round) to gently spread it out into a thin sheet filling the entire ziplock bag. Place the bag in the freezer while you do the rest.

Preheat your oven to 375.

Make cookie batter with the rest of the ingredients via the creaming method. If you don't know what that means, then do this: beat the butter for a little bit to loosen it up. Add the sugar, and beat to combine. Add the brown sugar, and beat to combine. Add the eggs one at a time and beat to combine. Add the vanilla and the milk, and beat to combine. Put your flour, salt, and baking soda into another container. You should sift it, but I don't have a sifter so I don't. Add it slowly to your cookie dough until you get the whole thing in there. Put the bowl into your fridge.

Get your sheet of peanut butter out of the freezer. Use scissors to snip the edges of the bag and rip it open on the seam. Turn the sheet of peanut butter out onto your cutting board. Using a pizza cutter, slice it into 1/4 inch by 1/4 inch rectangles. Sprinkle them with a bit more powdered sugar and place in a sealable container about twice as big as it needs to be. Toss them around to coat with the sugar and to keep them separated. Put the container in the freezer for 10 minutes to firm up.

Gently fold your peanut butter chunks into your batter then spoon it out onto your cookie sheets. I like to use my clean hands to mush the cookies into a relatively round shape so they cook up nicer, and since the dough can be a bit dry and crumbly.

Cook for 13 minutes and then cool on a rack.

Baked Potatizzle

• Russett Potatoes (kinda big, normal looking potatoes. Not like the little red ones or anything)
• canola / vegetable oil
• kosher salt

I got this recipe from Good Eats.

Put a rack in the middle of your oven. Put some aluminum foil on the rack under it. Preheat to 350. Wash the potatoes. Stab each one with a fork a few times to let steam escape during cooking. put a little oil in a bowl and roll the potatoes around to coat them. Sprinkle with kosher salt. DO NOT WRAP WITH ALUMINUM FOIL! Put them in the oven directly on the middle rack. Bake for about an hour. That's it.

Deep Fried Crap

• 1 cup flour
• 1/2 cup corn meal
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• milk
• oil (for deep frying)
• Candy or other miscellaneous food (See note)
• Powdered Sugar (if you're frying something sweet) or salt
• Ice cream (if you're frying something sweet) optional

Note: For candy you want to use any kind of candy that's not hard (like a lollypop). Chocolate bars work best. For the best results get a bag of any "fun size" candy bars since they're smaller and less likely to kill you via calories. Twinkies, oreos, bacon, and McDonald's Cheeseburgers also work.

If you are making deep fried candy (such as a milky way bar), put it into the fridge to firm up. Do not freeze.

Start your oil. Put it at something like 350ish.

To mix the batter put the flour, corn meal and baking soda into a bowl. slowly add milk while whisking. Stop when you've got a consistency like cream.

Coat each piece of candy or whatever and carefully (and slowly) lower into the oil. Before inserting ensure that 100% of the food is covered. If there is any exposed chocolate, your candy will rapidly melt, expelling molten chocolate goo in a jetstream into the oil, where it will violently boil over and possibly explode. Your oil will be ruined, and you might end up wearing some. You may want to keep it moving around so it doesn't stick to the bottom. When the candy is golden brown, remove it and let it cool.

sprinkle on the powdered sugar or salt (as appropriate). Deep fried candy goes very well with ice cream.

Deep Fried Pineapple

• 1 whole pineapple
• 2c Powdered Sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/4c milk
• All the ingredients from the recipe Deep Fried Crap

First cut the pineapple up into usable pieces. To do this, first take a slice off the bottom so it stands up better. Next do the same at the top, cutting the leaves and a little hat off. Isn't it cute? Now, slice the fruit in half, top to bottom. Slice each piece in half, then again. You'll end up with 8 wedges. Stand each wedge up on end and carefully slice the inner 1/3-inch off. You're removing the tough core part in this step. Then lay the piece down and filet the skin off. Remove any eyes that remain in the fruit. Finally, cut each wedge into 1-inch thick slices.

Heat a non-nonstick skillet up to medium-high heat and brush with a tiny bit of vegetable oil. Or, if you've got a grill handy with grates the pineapple won't fall through, use that. You're going to sear the pineapple on all its sides (or if it won't stand up, just the big sides). Leave it be till it's got a brown-to-black sear on it, then set it aside to cool back down to room temperature.

Now we'll make a glaze to drizzle over the completed product. In a tiny saucepan add the milk, vanilla, and 1 cup of powdered sugar. Whisk it together over very low heat until it combines.

Put the remaining powdered sugar into a bowl to dredge the pineapple in.

Heat your oil up to 350.

Mix up the batter as described in Deep Fried Crap. You want it to have the same thickness as a blended margarita. Maybe a little thicker. This is definitely a trial and error part. You can vary the thickness by adding more milk (or flour if it's too thin).

Now, working in small batches, we'll fry up the pineapple. Dredge the pieces in the confectioner's sugar. Try to coat each side. Quickly shake off the excess and dip in the batter. Transfer the pieces into the oil one at a time, following the instructions from Deep Fried Crap.

When they're golden brown remove them to a draining rack and use a spoon to drizzle the glaze over top. Serve quickly either on their own or with ice cream as dessert. The small size of the pieces and the sugar dredge buy you some time, but the juice from the fruit will quickly attack the breading causing it to fall off once bitten into. The faster your guests get their deep fried treats, the better.

Jess's Green Salsa

• 1 Avocado
• 1-2 Green tomatoes or 4-5 Tomatillos
• 1 tsp onion powder (more to taste) or 1/4 of an onion, finely diced
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 4 tbsp fresh cilantro
• 1-2 jalapenos
• water

Boil the tomatoes and peppers to soften them. Reserve the boiling water. In a blender or food processor add cilantro and spices and 1/4 cup of the water you boiled with. Blend until smooth and bright green. Add the avocado, tomatoes and one jalapeno pepper and blend until smooth. If it won't come together you can use a little more of the boiling water. You can leave it a little chunky to taste if you want. If it doesn't smell hot enough, add the second Jalapeno. If it's still not hot enough, keep adding more.

Individual Apple Crisps

• 4 Baking Apples
• 1/2 cup Oatmeal (regular oatmeal)
• 1/2 cup All-purpose Flour
• 1/2 cup Brown Sugar (not packed at all)
• 2/3 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ginger
• pinch salt
• 2/3 stick of butter
• honey

I adapted this recipe from one I saw on Good Eats. Thanks Alton!

Preheat your oven to 350.

In a medium-sized gladware bowl (or any bowl you can put a lid on) put all the dry goods and mix them together.

Take your butter and dice it up, taking care to keep it cold. Put the butter into the dry mix, and then, using your fingertips, mash the butter into the dry mixture. Don't try to mash it all into a paste, or try to get it all homogenized. You're just trying to crush the butter into smaller bits and work it into the dry stuff. You'll end up with a few big pieces of butter (that's ok) and lots of smaller chunks. Do not let the butter thaw during this process (this is why you're using your fingertips only).

Place a lid on the struesel mixture (that's what you just made) and put it in the fridge. A tight lid is vital here, since butter can absorb nasty smells. Get your apples out.

Wash the apples since their skin has nasty stuff on them. Using a small knife, cut the top of each apple off at a 45 degree angle, like you're taking the lid off of a pumpkin. Eat the lids, throw them away, whatever. You don't need them. Now, using an apple corer or a melon baller, scoop out the apple core. DO NOT puncture down to the bottom of the apple. You need that there to hold the stuff.

If you accidentally do (and you will mess up your first one), cut little chunks of the apple lid and jam them down there tightly. The goal is to keep most of the liquid inside the apple. Or you can just eat that apple and grab another one, wash it, and pretend like that first apple never happened.

Now, take your knife and score the outside of the apple in wedges. Think like the sections of an orange. You only want to pierce the skin, not really cut the apple up. You're doing this because once the apples are cooked, the skin will probably be a pain in the ass to deal with.

Now get your struesel back out of the fridge. Take an apple and fill the core with honey, leaving plenty of room at the top for struesel. Hold the apple over the struesel bowl (this is messy), put a handful of struesel on the apple, press it down, and then sprinkle another handful on top. Do all your apples this way and put them in a pie pan or at least on a cookie sheet, and into your oven.

Bake them for about 40 minutes. When 40 minutes are up, gently squeeze them with a tongs or your fingers if you're not a pussy. They should give way, but don't crush them dammit. Remove from the oven and serve very soon.

You can serve them by themselves, but they're better with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side.

This recipe obviously makes 4 servings. However, you will have lots of struesel left over. Once you've got the hang of the apple cutting process, you can make 1 or 2 of these things in about 5 minutes of work with the leftover struesel.

Keith's Thirty Five Dollar Chili

• 1 qt stewed tomatoes, canned by mom.
• 1/2 tbsp cumin
• hamburger 85% 2lbs
• 1.5-2 green peppers, small to medium
• 1.5-2 onions, small to medium
• 1 40oz can mrs grimes chili beans
• 1 packet chili-o mix
• 1/2 tbsp chili powder
• jalapenos or chipotles (optional) (to taste. If using chipotles, 1 or 2)
• 32oz v-8 (or generic) juice
• salt
• pepper
• 1/2 12oz can cheap light beer

Put the liquid stuff into a huge oven-safe pot and get it started on medium heat. Add 1/2 a can of beer, and drink the rest while you're cooking. Add the beans and the chili sauce they come in. While you're at it, toss your spices in too. If you're using chipotle peppers, go ahead and dice one up and put that in now too. Toss some adobo sauce in too (the stuff chipotles come in).

Dice your green peppers and onions and set them aside. If you're using jalapeno peppers, dice them up finely and keep them with the other vegetables.

While the chili is going, brown off your hamburger. Drain it and add it to the chili. I just took it out of the pan 1 slotted spoonful at a time and let the juice drain back into the pan. Sweat the green pepper and onion in the leftover juices from the meat. Add those to the chili with the same straining method.

Let the chili cook 4-12 hours, stirring occasionally. But where? Not on that damn stove top; it's going to scortch the bottom if you leave for more than a minute.

If you have a crock pot that will fit all this goodness (with an inch or two of headroom to spare) stick it in there on low. If you don't then arrange the racks of your oven so that the pot will fit in there and set your oven for 200 degrees. If you're not confident in your rack's ability to hold the pot, then remove all the racks and put the pot on a few bricks sitting on the floor. Should be good. I think.

You will end up with about 1 gallon of chili. You may need to freeze some. Doing the math, it comes out to about 275 calories per 1 cup serving. If you load it up with crackers like I do, it'll be around 325ish, and still very very filling.

Notes: Next batch I'll try to replace the Chili-O packet with real food. I said it's mom's chili and that's how she makes chili.

Spaghetti Sauce

• 2 (28-ounce) cans whole, peeled tomatoes
• 1/4 cup sherry vinegar
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
• 1 teaspoon dried oregano
• 1 teaspoon dried basil
• 1 onion
• 1 carrot
• 1 stalk celery
• 2 ounces olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tablespoons capers, rinsed and drained
• 1/2 cup white wine
• Kosher salt and black pepper, to taste

In a sieve over a medium non-reactive saucepot, strain the tomatoes of their juice into the sauce pot. Add the sherry vinegar, sugar, red pepper flakes, oregano, and basil to the tomato juice. Stir and cook over high heat. Once bubbles begin to form on the surface, reduce to a simmer. Allow liquid to reduce by 1/2 or until liquid has thickened to a loose syrup consistency.

Squeeze each tomato thoroughly to ensure most seeds are removed. Set the tomatoes aside.

Cut carrot, onion, and celery into uniform sizes and combine with olive oil and garlic in a non-reactive roasting pan over low heat. Sweat the mirepoix until the carrots are tender and the onion becomes translucent, 15 to 20 minutes. Add the tomatoes and capers to the roasting pan.

Place roasting pan on the middle rack of the oven and broil for 15 to 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes. Tomatoes should start to brown slightly on edges with light caramelization. Remove the pan from the broiler. Place the pan over 2 burners on the stove. Add the white wine to the tomatoes and cook for 2 to 3 more minutes over medium heat.

Put the tomatoes into a deep pot or bowl and add the reduced tomato liquid to the tomatoes. Blend to desired consistency and adjust seasoning.

Meatballs

• 1/4 pound hamburger
• 3/4 pound italian sausage (more or less depending on how spicy you like your meatballs)
• 2 eggs
• 4 slices of wheat bread, crumbified.
• 1 tbsp parsley flakes
• 1 tbsp dried oregano
• 1 tbsp dried basil
• 2 tbsp red chili flakes
• 1-2 tbsp parmesean cheese

To get bread crumbs I put 4 slices of wheat bread in my toaster oven, set it for 150 and waited about an hour. I'm sure there's quicker ways to do it, but I was busy making spaghetti sauce anyhow, so I didn't mind. After the bread was hard I used an electric chopper to make crumbs. While I was chopping the bread into crumbs I added the spices to the chopper to mix them up very well. It seemed to work out rather well.

In a big bowl I added the meat, eggs (you could just use one egg if it's jumbo. My roommate buys small eggs for some reason), and sprinkled in the parm cheese. I added half the crumbs.

Wash your hands and use them to incorporate everything. you don't really want to smash it all together like snowballs, but you just want everything mixed. You should be able to make a meatball out of the mixture (duh), that's not too dry that it's falling apart, but not too wet that it's oozing.

On a plate I spread the remaining bread crumbs. I made up the meatballs by lightly rolling an arbitrary chunk between my hands. I don't know how to explain it, but you don't compact the meatball, just roll it around gently until it takes shape. Then I gently rolled the meatballs in the remainng bread crumbs and arranged them on a sheet of parchment paper on a cookie sheet.

Bake at 400 until they're golden brown. If you see the meatballs leaking an orangish sludge, that is juice and parmesean cheese. They're done.

Avocado Ice Cream

No, really.

• 12 ounces avocado meat, approximately 3 small to medium
• 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
• 1 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup heavy cream

Peel and pit the avocados. Add the avocados, lemon juice, milk, and sugar to a blender and puree. Transfer the mixture to a medium mixing bowl, add the heavy cream and whisk to combine. Place the mixture into the refrigerator and chill until it reaches 40 degrees F or below, approximately 4 to 6 hours.

Process the mixture in an ice cream maker according to manufacturer's directions. However, this mixture sets up very fast, so count on it taking only 5 to 10 minutes to process. For soft ice cream, serve immediately. If desired, place in freezer for 3 to 4 hours for firmer texture.

Guacamole

• 4 Haas avocados
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne
• 1/2 medium onion, diced
• 2 Roma tomatoes, seeded and diced
• 1 tablespoon chopped cilantro
• 3 cloves garlic, minced

Here's how to cut up an avocado

Slice it in half along the long dimension. There's a large pit in the middle, so you'll have to basically spin the knife around the pit. Ok, so you've got it in half, take your knife and whack the pit square in the center, so the pit get stuck on the blade. Now use the knife to pull the pit out. Over the garbage can, reach your fingers around the edge of the knife on the dull side. Pinch the pit off of the blade. Ok, now back at the cutting board, you have two options. You can either use your knife to cut through the meat while in the skin by giving it 3 slits lengthwise and 4-5 slits across (through the meat, not the skin), and then remove the skin, or you can remove it from the skin in one piece. In either way, you just insert a large spoon between the meat and the skin and scoop it out.

Back to the Guac

Dice up your tomoatoes and onion. You want them diced pretty fine here. The garlic needs to be mashed up pretty well too. Get all of this done before you tackle the avocados.

Ok, so cut up 3 of the avocados, and stick them in a big bowl. Save the last avocado for later. Add the lime juice, toss to coat. Drain out any that will drain (usually the avocado sucks up most of the juice), and reserve the lime juice, after all of the avocados have been coated. Using a potato masher mash up the avocados and add the salt, cumin, and cayenne. Then, fold in the onions, tomatoes, cilantro, and garlic. Now cut up the final avocado and dice it up into 1/4-1/2 inch chunks. Gently fold those into the guacamole for a nice contrasting texture.

Add 1 tablespoon of the reserved lime juice. Let sit at room temperature for 1 hour and then serve.

Baked Tortilla Chips

• 1 (12 ounce) package corn tortillas
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
• 3 tablespoons lime juice
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 1 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Cut each tortilla into 8 chip sized wedges and arrange the wedges in a single layer on a cookie sheet. In a mister, combine the oil and lime juice. Mix well and spray each tortilla wedge until slightly moist. Combine the cumin, chili powder and salt in a small bowl and sprinkle on the chips. Bake for about 7 minutes. Rotate the pan and bake for another 8 minutes or until the chips are crisp, but not too brown. Serve with salsas, garnishes or guacamole.

Queso Blanco

• 1 Gallon Whole Milk
• 1/4 Cup White Vinegar (maybe a tad more)
• (Juice of 3-5 lemons may be substituted for the vinegar, the cheese will have a much more tangy flavor.)

Heat milk to 180 F (82 C) stirring constantly. Be careful not to burn the milk. While mixing with a whisk, slowly add the white vinegar. You will notice the milk begins to curdle. Keep stirring for 10-15 minutes.

Line a colander with a fine cheesecloth. Pour the curdled milk through the colander. Allow the curds to cool for about 20 minutes. Tie the four corners of the cheese cloth together and hang it to drain for about 5 - 7 hours (until it stops dripping).

The solidified cheese can be broken apart and salted to taste or kept unsalted.

Serve in shitloads of mexican dishes, or just eat it.

Aunt Louise's Rhubarb Dessert

• 5 cups rhubarb, diced
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1 cup water
• 1 stick unsalted butter, melted
• 1 packet strawberry or raspberry jello mix
• 1 package white or yellow cake mix
• crisco (to grease pan)
• brown sugar (optional)
• red food coloring (optional)

Preheat your oven to 350. Grease a 9x13 pyrex dish with your crisco. Fill with the rhubarb in an even layer. Sprinkle sugar on top. Sprinkle dry jello mix on top. Sprinkle cake mix on top, using your fingers to break up any clumps. Add your food coloring to the water if you're using it, then slowly drizzle the water over top of dessert evenly. Drizzle the butter on top finally. Lastly, sprinkle the optional brown sugar on top.

Bake for 45-50 minutes. Mom says you can eat it hot, but my guess is it won't set up well if you cut it before it's cooled.

Very Old Fudge

I saw this recipe is on several websites and is said to be lifted directly from a Mennonite cookbook. Since the Mennonites aren't likely to get online to discover this, I reprint it here too:

• 2 cup sugar
• 1/2 cup corn syrup
• 1/2 cup milk or cream
• 1 tsp butter
• 1 tsp vanilla

Grease a small baking pan and a regular spoon or a spatula. I have a 3x9 bread pan I use.

Combine everything but the vanilla in a tall pan. Heat until it hits about 245 degrees. You will need a thermometer for this. Once it hits 245, kill the heat and start stirring briskly with a wooden spoon. Add the vanilla and keep stirring. Keep stirring. It'll get thicker and thicker. Pour it into your pan and try to smooth it out with the back of a greased spoon. It won't work, but try anyhow.

Once it's cooled a little more to keep it's shape, turn it out onto a cutting board. Use a pizza cutter to cut it into 1-inch chunks. It'll crack and crumble into other odd shapes while you're at it.

Can't Fail Pie Crust

• 4c flour
• 1tbsp sugar
• 1tsp salt
• 1tsp bk pdwer
• 1 3/4c crisco
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1tsp vinegar
• 1/2c cold water

Mix flour, sugar, salt, baking powder. Cut crisco in with a fork. In a separate container beat egg and add water and vinegar. Add wet stuff and use fork to combine. Once it sticks together enough to be one piece, turn it out onto your counter and roll it out. Go go go!