To Steal from Thieves
From Bellybuttonporn
December 11, 2007 I can't ever remember a time I've felt at home in regards to dating. Sure, there's been a few moments of peace and tranquility, but that's never been an overarching theme.
Looking back, in each case where I've felt something strong for someone, it's felt like a heist. Careful planning, the exertion of will, trying to make sure everything went as I hoped. In the few cases where I actually got what I wanted from whom I wanted it from, I felt like a thief. This was someone else's happiness. I was just stealing it. Or that I was cutting in line. Sorta like a burglar. Always looking over my shoulder, fearing for the moment I'd hear the jingle of keys in the front door lock, the homeowner entering and stomping the snow off his boots, and innocently turning the lights on, catching me in the act.
I drove around a bit today, to organize my thoughts. And I came to this realization; that I do this. That settled, should it be so? I hope not. And if this really just is how things are, then please lie to me and say it's not. I don't want this anymore, and if that's all there is, I'd find it unacceptable. It doesn't feel like I deserve a happy relationship. Or, at the very least, that I'm not in the class of people who 'get to' have them.
A friend of mine is pretty sad right now because she isn't anybody's Number One. I can understand that. As an analog, it really feels like I'm not even anybody's option. Nowhere on the list. It feels like I have to claw and fight my way up; either everyone gets a head start or I get held back. Love is a shipwreck, there weren't enough life boats, and I'm in the water freezing.
So what, now? Well, I don't really know of any sort of plan I can take away from this. However, I have a hunch. I'm not sure if it even follows logically, but in my gut I think I'm right:
I'll know I've found someone worthy of my attention when it doesn't feel that way. When it's just there, and there's no scheming, no panicked worrying that it'll all crash down. Then I'll know I can be happy. And then the roaring static I feel in the back of my mind will finally die out.
